So yeah, here I am. How pathetic am I, needing to start a blog just to get my life off my chest. I thought about writing a journal, but let's face it. Writing takes too long, and I just don't have that kind of time. Not to mention the hand cramps, thanks but no thanks. I'm sure you'll be hearing from me a lot. Four kids, an ever increasingly moody PMS'ing husband, a life that, well just isn't what I pictured it would be.....well let's put it this way, I won't ever run out of things to get off my chest. Not that I really even expect anyone to read this, kinda hope no one does really, but I need it as an outlet to let go of some of my frustrations, so if I can pretend there's at least one poor sap like me out in cyber land somewhere that can maybe relate to what I have to say then hey, I will feel special.
I'm trying to find a place to start to try to get motivated to get this house in order. After a week of being on the divorce bandwagon, we had a heart to heart last night and dh proclaimed that what he needed from me to make our marriage work was for me to get this house cleaned up and in tip-top shape. I told him I needed him to go to counseling with me. He agreed, and I agreed. So I need to get a cleaning, while he better be thinking about how he will be able to open up and let his feelings out, or at least come up with some believable lies. I know you're thinking the worst right now, but it's not like there's roaches and other little vermin crawling all over the floor....it's not that bad. But there's clutter...CLUTTER EVERYWHERE. Our house is just not big enough for six people. And when we bought this house back in Oct of '05 we weren't planning on having any more kids so the 3 bedroom house was just perfect for us at the time. I think the problem for me when I look around is having grown up thinking that this is the norm, this is ok. I have lived in a cluttered house my whole life so I've goten used to it and to me it's just not THAT bad. While I would rather have it all neat and tidy, for me it's more overwhelming to try to figure out where to put everything, than to actually just see the clutter every day. Not to mention I still have some lingering post-partum issues from when our daughter was born last August which makes it really hard to get motivated to do anything but lay in bed all day, I have a really jacked up family who are all trying to pawn their emotional baggage off on me, and while I'm sure they don't do it on purpose - I come away from conversations with them feeling even more depressed than when I went in, and it makes me want to stop all contact with them until they can get their sh*t together. How can I even begin on repairing my life if their problems are interfering in my life even worse than mine. So anyway, back to this cleaning issue. I do the basics every day - laundry, dishes, cooking, that sorta thing. I am the one who does 99.9 1/2 % of anything involving our kids, who are almost 10, 8, 2 1/2, and 7 months. I actually do 99.9 1/2 % of everything around here. The only things he does are things outside that he wants to do. He thinks because he has a 9 - 5 (actually 8 to 4 30 but we won't get that technical) that it gives him the right to come home and do whatever he pleases because I have the 'easy life' of getting to stay at home and do whatever I want and not be on a schedule. Easy life hmmm. I would LOVE to trade places with him, even if for one day. I have no social life, no friends, nobody that I can really just blab my feelings to, hence the making of this blog lol. I want to feel IMPORTANT. Like what I do actually matters to someone. I know I should feel rewarded and joyful in cooking for my family and cleaning up after them and always putting their needs before my own....but lets face it, motherhood is both fully rewarding and completely unrewarding at the same time. There's nothing rewarding about a two year old who hits you and throws a tantrum because he doesn't get to watch his favorite show. I can go on and on about everything all day long, there's just so much I need to say. But I won't. I need to tackle this cleaning business, at least to make it look like I tried to accomplish something today. For now it is 1:22 and I officially have 3 hrs. 22 min. and 38 seconds to do the impossible.
